"To transsexuals, a woman has an inner essence, a way of thinking, feeling and perceiving the world that is different from a male's quite apart from sex, although it most certainly includes sex-role attributes such as verbal and nonverbal behaviors. Thus transsexuals recognize, for example, that there is a major divergence between working on a car as a man and working on a car as a woman. This illustrates their belief that gender transcends sex roles to include an inner world of femaleness." In Search of Eve, Ann Bolin
My first feelings that I wanted to be a girl occured when I was nine years old, around when puberty started. I was alone at home watching TV. Mom and dad had recently divorced and mom worked during the day at a city newspaper. I don't remember what show it was, but there was a woman being interviewed by a host. I remember first noticing her red lipstick, then her nicely styled brunette hair, clothes and overall womanliness. As I became fixated on her the sensation rose up that I wanted to look like her. It was a warm feeling, exciting and irresistible!
Going into mom's bedroom, I started rummaging through her dresserbras, panties, slipstrying on different things. The warm sensation intensified as I slid into the smooth, sensual fabrics. I realized this was my first sexual experience. The sensations, the clothes, all had an extremely familiar feel, as if there was a female person inside me who'd been away a long time. I made some feeble attempts at putting on her makeup. I remember I did a lousy job! But knew with practice I'd get better.
That was the beginning. Continuing to dress in her clothes, I started taking things. A girdle here...a slip there...hiding them in my closet thinking she wouldn't notice. Of course, she did and thought it was just a phase I was going through (children sometimes experiment with exchanging clothes and gender roles).
The urge would suddenly sweep over me and I'd rush into her bedroom, trembling with excitement! I'd play dress-up and pretend I was a girl until the urge was satisfied.
It's my first day of school in the first grade. I'm being led around the school yard by two girls, one on each side, each holding one of my hands. I feel a warm, pleasant sensation. I now realize those were sexual feelings. The next day I searched the school yard for the two girls, but they were no where to be found and I never saw them again...
I gradually acquired my collection of girl's clothes and packed them safely inside my suitcase when we moved to Hawaii a year later. There I continued to dress-up during the day when mom was at work and at night after she'd gone to bed. I'd sneak outside at night, intoxicated by the brisk night air and walk around the neighborhood, running and acting like a girl. Some nights I'd pray to God to change me into a girl.
I'm looking at an old black and white photo of myself when we used to live on a farm in Gilford, MD. I was probably three years old and in a gray metal wash tub with Punkin' (pretty, blonde girl about my age) and a girl from next door. I'm obviously enjoying myself even though there's hardly enough room for the three of us to fit.
Another old photo, Punkin' and I are standing in front of a dresser mirror both brushing our hair and smiling...giggling.
Since I was too embarrassed to buy girl's clothes, I resorted to stealing. I got fairly good at shoplifting clothes from stores.
There was a woman in her late 20s who lived next door. Her name was Marianne and I remember she was an attractive blond who always wanted to kiss me! I used to sneak into her house, take some of her clothes home, try them on and return them. I was 13 at the time and her clothes and shoes fit me nicely. One evening I was home alone and the urge struck! (It seemed to come out of no where and wasn't related to what I was doing at the moment.) I went over to Marianne's house, but this time instead of taking them home I started dressing in her bedroom. I admired myself in her mirror. I had a baby face and slim figure and looked like a girl!
I brazenly decided to go back to my house. I opened her front door and started down her steps just when her boyfriend drove by and saw me! I ran down the steps and around to the back of the houseas fast as I could in heels!and tried to hide in the vacant maid's quarters, but he found me dressed from head-to-foot in her clothes!