my story

part 2

It's my first day of school in the first grade. I'm being led around the school yard by two girls, one on each side, each holding one of my hands. I feel a warm, pleasant sensation. I now realize those were sexual feelings. The next day I searched the school yard for the two girls, but they were no where to be found and I never saw them again....

I started to wonder what I was. Was I sick? After doing some investigation (I wasn't about to ask mom about it!) I found some information on transvestism, or crossdressing. I was a crossdresser, or so I thought. I hadn't even heard of transsexuals back then. This was the 70s when there wasn't the substantial amount of information we have today. I was relieved to find out that crossdressing was merely an urge to dress in the clothes of the opposite sex and I wasn't 'sick.'

Looking back, I realize it went much deeper than just wanting to dress in girl's clothes.

I went through purges where I'd feel guilty and throw away and once even burned my clothes! [Don't purge!] This is common to transsexuals and crossdressers, who will then pronounce themselves 'cured.' But the urge would always come back and I'd build my collection again. I kept it a secret from my friends—to them I appeared to be a normal guy. I began venturing out in public, first at night and then during the day. By this time, I'd become rather proficient at dressing and makeup and with my feminine features made an attractive girl. At summer camp I used to get teased because the boys said I looked like a girl. Though I didn't let on, I was thrilled to hear it.

I didn't want to play with the boys at recess, I wanted to be with the girls. Competitive boy games didn't interest me. I liked the cooperativeness, the intimacy of the girls. But I was a boy so I went and played with the boys.

Hormones

I found out about hormones from the transgender publications I'd ordered through the mail and discovered by taking estrogen I could transform my body to that of a female—soft skin, breasts, curvy figure, more girlish face. I had to try them! By this time, I was 23 and worked late night as a disc jockey at a discotech and also played in a rock band. I kept my crossdressing separate and a secret from my friends. I called a local doctor and made an appointment. When he asked why I needed to see him I said, "It's personal." "I hope I can help," he replied.

At my appointment the doctor was sympathetic, but inexperienced with transgender people and recommended I contact Straub Hospital on Oahu [I was on Kauai]. I drove home, called Straub and asked the receptionist if they had anyone experienced in transsexuals. She transferred me to an ob-gyn, Dr. Spangler. I spoke with Dr. Spangler's nurse, told her I was transgender and wanted to get a prescription for female hormones. She put me on hold then came back a few minutes later and said yes, the doctor would give the me a prescription! That was easy! The next weekend I flew to Honolulu.

I'm sitting in the ob-gyn waiting room. A nurse comes out, calls my name and leads me to Dr. Spangler's office. He's a Santa Claused-shaped man in his 40's. We shake hands, he sits down and says, "So you want to feminize your body."

"It's something I've wanted to do all my life!" I blurt

He asked who I'd seen for psychological evaluation. Oops! I hadn't seen anyone! All I'd done was talk to a psychologist once on the phone and gave him her name. He wrote it down (as far as I know never got in touch with her as he continued to send hormone prescriptions). He asked if I was aware of the side-effects. I knew they could make you impotent over time, but didn't care. I'd come this far, was excited and said yes! He reached for a bottle of pills on his desk.

"I'm going to give you Ogen," [a synthetic estrogen] and wrote out the script! The entire appointment only lasted ten minutes!

With my prescription in hand, I asked one of the nurses where the pharmacy was and headed towards the elevator. When I got to the pharmacy I handed the prescription to the girl behind the counter who didn't even bat an eye. I sat down, looked around noticing the women and thought: I'm going to look like you eventually! Twenty minutes later my name was called and I got my first bottle of female hormones! There it was: femininity encapsulated in little purple pills!

I was supposed to take four or five pills a day, but being the impulsive type I walked over to a nearby drinking fountain, took out four pills and swallowed them! I was on my way. In a few minutes real female substances would be coursing through my veins! I walked out of the hospital my feet not touching the ground. I decided since this was a new beginning to buy myself something nice. I walked around town until I found a little lingerie shop, browsed until I found a nice corset bra and asked the clerk if this would fit my 'girlfriend.' She asked what her bra size was and I told her mine: 36B. She said it would fit fine.

As I walked I noticed a relaxing feeling—the hormones were taking effect! Women always appeared calmer and more relaxed than males [due to less testosterone], so that made sense. I went to see a movie [Star Wars], had dinner, went back to the hotel room and took some more pills.³ I was so excited I could hardly sleep and kept getting up and going into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, as if the changes could happen that fast! I did notice a rushing noise in my ears that I've come to know as the sound of hormones when my body's saturated.⁴

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³ This was in the 70s and there weren't the more stringent conditions of obtaining hormones and dosages as there are today. I was on a high dose (10mg or more, per day). I don't recommend taking such high dosages, you could jeopadize your health!

⁴ This was confirmed some years later, when I was talking to a GG who said she experienced the same thing during her period when estrogen levels are high.