My story - part 2

Off to the head shrinker!

The next morning mom came into my bedroom and said she was taking me to a psychiatrist! I refused, but she threatened to have Marianne's boyfriend come and get me, so I went! She drove me to the hospital, but I wouldn't go inside. So she went in and a short time later her and the psychiatrist came walking out. He got into the driver's side of the car. We talked about school, my interests and hobbies, but when he asked anything about the incident at Marianne's, or my crossdressing, I clammed up! I wasn't going to talk about something so personal to a stranger!

I didn't want to play with the boys at recess, I wanted to be with the girls. Competitive boy games didn't interest me. I liked the cooperativeness, the intimacy of the girls. But I was a boy so I went and played with the boys.

I started to wonder what I was (I wasn't about to ask mom about it!). Was I sick? I found some information on transvestism or crossdressing. I was a crossdresser, or so I thought. I hadn't even heard of transsexuals back then (During the 60s and 70s there wasn't the quantity of information and resources we have today). I was relieved to find out that crossdressing was merely an urge to dress in the clothes of the opposite sex and I wasn't "sick." Looking back, I realize it went much deeper than just wanting to dress in girl's clothes.

I went through purges where I'd feel guilty and throw away and once even burned my clothes! (This is common to transsexuals and crossdressers, who will then pronounce themselves "cured.") But the urge would always return and I'd build my collection of girl's clothes again.

I kept my crossdressing a secret from my friends—to them I appeared to be a normal boy. I began venturing out in public, first at night and then during the day. By this time, I'd become rather proficient at dressing and makeup and with my feminine features made an attractive girl. At summer camp I used to get teased because the boys said I looked like a girl. Though I didn't let on, inside I was thrilled.

pic of Tara

I found out about female hormones from transgender publications I'd ordered through the mail. I discovered by taking estrogen I could transform my body to that of a female—soft skin, breasts, curvy figure, more girlish face. I had to try them! By this time, I was 23 and worked late night as a disc jockey at a discotech and also played in a rock band. I kept my crossdressing separate and a secret from my friends. I called a local doctor and made an appointment. When he asked why I needed to see him I said, "It's personal."

"I hope I can help," he replied.

At my appointment the doctor was sympathetic, but inexperienced with transgender people and recommended a local hospital. I drove home, called the hospital and asked the receptionist if they had anyone experienced in transsexuals. She transferred me to an ob-gyn. I spoke with the doctor's nurse, told her I was transgender and wanted to get a prescription for female hormones. She put me on hold then came back a few minutes later and said yes, the doctor would give the me a prescription! That was easy!

I'm sitting in the ob-gyn waiting room. A nurse comes out, calls my name. The doctor is a Santa Claused-shaped man in his 40's. We shake hands and he says, "So you want to feminize your body."

"It's something I've wanted to do all my life!" I blurt out.

He asked who I'd seen for psychological evaluation. Oops! I hadn't seen anyone! All I'd done was talk to a psychologist once on the phone and gave him her name. He wrote it down (as far as I know never got in touch with her as he continued to send hormone prescriptions). He asked if I was aware of the side-effects. I knew they could make you impotent over time, but didn't care. I'd come this far, was excited and said yes! He reached for a bottle of pills on his desk.

"I'm going to give you Ogen," (synthetic estrogen) and wrote out the script! The entire appointment only lasted ten minutes!

When I got to the pharmacy I handed the prescription to the girl behind the counter who didn't even bat an eye. I sat down, looked around noticing the women and thought, "I'm going to look like you eventually!" Twenty minutes later my name was called and I got my first bottle of female hormones! There they were, femininity encapsulated in little purple pills!

I walked over to a nearby drinking fountain, took out four pills (the prescription was for 4 - 5 pills a day) and swallowed them. I was on my way! In a few minutes real female substances would be coursing through my veins! I walked out of the hospital my feet not touching the ground. I decided since this was a new beginning to buy myself something nice. I walked around town until I found a little lingerie shop, browsed until I found a nice longline bra and asked the clerk if this would fit my "girlfriend." She asked what was her bra size and I told her mine—36B. She said it would fit fine.

As I walked I noticed a relaxing feeling, the hormones were taking effect! Women always appeared calmer and more relaxed than males (due to less testosterone), so that made sense. I went to see a movie (Star Wars), had dinner, went back to the hotel room and took some more pills.[1] I was so excited I could hardly sleep and kept getting up and going into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, as if the changes could happen that fast!

[1] This was the 70s and doctors weren't as knowledgeable about hormone dosages as they are today. I don't recommend taking such high dosages. You could jeopadize your health!