my story - part 3

Changing into a girl

Over the next few weeks I noticed changes going on in and out my body. After three days my nipples stayed erect and I noticed more sensitivity in them and my breasts. As time went on my skin became softer and smoother and my body odor changed. There were also psychological changes—my thought patterns were changing! This felt as if my old self was being taken over by a new being! This got to be rather scary and after three weeks I decided to stop.

Something else the hormones did was make me high (estrogen can act as an anti-depressant). As the hormones wore off, not only did the soft skin and sensations in my breasts go away, so did the pleasant high I'd been experiencing. I was 'crashing' and wanted that feeling again! I went to my dresser drawer, got out the bottle and took a pill. There was that feeling again—why did I stop?

This stopping and starting was something I would wrestle with for years. My body and thought processes would change dramatically and I'd get scared and tell myself not to take hormones. I'd look in the mirror and wonder who this person was looking back at me!4 Once I even threw away the pills! But the urge was too strong and I'd always take them again.

In retrospect, I realize counseling by a competent therapist experienced in gender dysphoria would've helped me sort out my feelings and goals and given me stability and peace of mind through this. I thought I was a crossdresser who liked taking female hormones and went in and out of transition, struggling with my two selves, not realizing I was transsexual... or afraid to accept I was.

As the weeks and months went by I noticed more physical changes. My skin continued to become softer and more translucent and in a month I noticed the bumps on my chest. I got skinnier as my muscles shrank. My waist was becoming smaller and hips broader. My face also began to change. I was putting on weight around the lower portion of my face and my eyes looked more feminine (women's eyes tend to be upturned, whereas men's tend to be level or down-turned). My beard became lighter and less noticeable and with a close shave I had no noticeable beard shadow. I became more emotional (more prone to cry!) and tempermentaI and went through mood swings that every genetic female knows about. My body became looser and my gait became more womanly. I found myself unconsciously doing things in a more feminine manner. I was quite impressed with the changes!

I continued to change over the next five months. I'd dress up at home and with makeup I could make a very convincing girl, but was still too shy and self-conscious to venture out much in public. Looking back I could kick myself for not taking more advantage of my looks. With my height and slimness I probably could've modeled. Take note all you young girls - if you've got it, go for it! You won't have the chance again!

There came a point in my development when all the changes added up to push me over the edge. I wasn't really aware of it until I was driving to town one day. I was doing like I often do, watching people passing in their cars. Half because I liked people watching and half noticing how they reacted to me. I particularly noticed how women were reacting. They would glance at me and look back to the road or somewhere else. When I would try to maintain eye contact she would look at me like, 'Just another woman' and look away.

Men were also looking at me differently. They would continue to look at me maintaining eye contact thinking that I was an attractive girl. Since I hadn't been raised female, I wasn't prepared for guys staring at me and trying to pick me up. Women learn how to handle this at an early age. I found it threatening, but also exciting! The attention I got was sometimes overwhelming, particularly from young girls. Groups of them would gather around me, seemingly basking in my femininity.

I was getting a lot of "yes, ma'ams." This would make me mad sometimes when I wanted to pass as a guy! I startled several people when they'd say "yes, ma'am" and I'd answer in my masculine voice! Well, what did I expect? I had shaved legs and underarms, my hair was long and flowing. I had small breasts and a feminine body. Even dressed in men's clothes I looked like, and was perceived as, a woman. I didn't realize how feminine I was because it felt normal.

From age 25 to about ten years ago I lived in a state of limbo, going off and on hormones. Deciding to live forever as a woman, getting right to the edge and stop. Estrogen has profound effects both psychologically and physically. One of the things I experienced was the sensation that I was changing into someone else! Looking back, that's exactly what was happening! Estrogen was changing my psychological state so thoroughly that my old self was fading away. It was if another person had entered my body. I remember looking in a mirror and wondering, who was this person looking back at me? That was the wall I'd hit. I'd come to the edge, see the unknown and chicken out.

What I denied was this beautiful person was me . . .

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4 I found out years later that one of the side effects of Ogen was mental changes!

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