my story

part 4

The Road Home

Everything came to a head one day at work. I was unhappy with my job; the pay was lousy for what I did: digital imaging and computer graphics. Because of some bad decisions by management business was dropping off and because of that, and wanting to be female, also my morale. The urge was continuing to build in me and the more I'd been feeling that I was living a big lie. I was sitting at my computer about to explode! I had to do something!

I'd heard about a GLBT center called Phoenix Rising. I grabbed a phone book, found their number and raced to a phone in a secluded part of the building. Just dialing their number and hearing someone answer was a relief! I told the woman my situation and was transferred to Becky who set up an appointment with a therapist named Carol. Becky, if you're reading this I'll never forget that day!

It's a week later and I'm getting ready for my appointment with Carol. I took the day off from work (called in sick!) so I'd have a full day to prepare physically and mentally. I put on a black, cotton skirt (given to me by an ex-girlfriend) and tan sweater top I'd just bought—hmm, looks pretty good! I spent an hour applying and reapplying my makeup. I used sunlight as my makeup light which is the most unforgiving light and it brought out every pore and hard edge to my face. I'm nervous. Am I going to pass?

After checking myself in the mirror for the umpteenth time I grabbed my purse, got in my car and drove downtown. The closest parking space I can find was seven blocks away. Why isn't there anything closer? One final look in the mirror - yeah, I look good - a deep breath and I got out. I glanced at my reflection in a building window, I looked like a woman. Those blocks were the longest seven blocks I've walked! I subtly glanced at people, no one is giving me weird looks. Good! I found the building where Phoenix Rising is, went inside and took the elevator to the 7th floor. The calm I felt from passing well turns to more nervousness as I enter Phoenix Rising's door. It's a clean, modern office. A woman in the reception area sees me and smiles. I tell her I'm here for my appointment with Carol, she says to have a seat, she'll be with me shortly.

There are two other women in the waiting area. They look like GG's (genetic girls). I smile and say hi. People come and go and I'm impressed by the professional look of the place. A pleasant-looking, heavy set woman with sparkly blue eyes approaches and asks, "Are you [my old name]?" It's Carol. I nod, she smiles and asks me to follow her to her office, a small room with a desk, chair and couch. She asks about my life history, family and goals. She's pleasant, kind and sympathetic. I like her. I asked her about my appearance and she said when see first saw me she didn't think I was her client because she thought I was a genetic woman! That's about the best compliment I could get! Our session came to an end and we agreed to meet next week. I took the elevator down and I'm back out on the street.

As I'm walking back to my car I'm elated! I'm finally doing it, I'm transitioning to a woman! I feel confident knowing I'm passing well and look around more and relax. I find myself walking in my long, masculine stride. A Mexican guy seems to be reading me as he's looking at my big feet (I wear size 10 - 11 women's shoes, but wore 12 back then. Yes, feet can shrink, as well as hands, on estrogen!). I consciously change my gait to a more feminine one and don't get anymore stares. I got back in my car, started the engine and thought: I'm passing so well why not go shopping? I drove to Nature's, a new-agey, health-food store and bought something for dinner. I think a couple people read me, but who cares? Portland is a progressive, trans-friendly town and a transgender person is no big deal.

From then on I worked as a male and the rest of the time lived as Tara. I found this to be very difficult and don't recommend it to anyone! The worst were Mondays after a weekend when I had two full days as Tara and would have to revert back to guy-mode for work (called drab). I discovered it took a full three hours to psychologically switch genders either way.

I was letting my hair grow again and had to wear loose clothes to work to make my breasts less noticeable. I was becoming more womanly and knew some of the customers thought I was female, as they were visibly startled

when I spoke in a masculine voice. Some of my co-workers were noticing, too. One commented several times I looked like a woman and another asked what sex I was. I had a GG friend, Brandi, who worked a few blocks away and sometimes we'd have lunch together. She said there were debates going on amongst her co-workers whether I was a boy or girl, each person sure of their perceptions! Every time someone called me "him" or "he" at work it was like a nail through my heart.

I had a funny experience after work one day when I picked up my hormones at a nearby store. I had to use the restroom and since I was still dressed in guy-mode figured I should use the men's room. I went in and did my thing. As I turned around a guy walked in, took one look at me and stopped dead in his tracks! His eyes got as big as saucers—he was reading me as a woman! He stiffened and backed up against the open door to let me pass. I giggled to myself as I left. Needless to say, that was the last time I used a men's room!

I was becoming increasingly depressed at work and sometimes felt physically ill. I'd told the owner about my plans for transitioning and finding work as a woman, but didn't know how I was going to do it. Little did I know it was going to happen sooner than expected! One Friday afternoon he called me into his office and handed me my last paycheck. I was fired!

I was in shock for about an hour, then a feeling of elation took over. This was my chance to go full-time! My mind instantly cleared. From this moment on I never had to present as male again! I drove to the unemployment office and filed for benefits. The owner tried to have my benefits denied by claiming I'd voluntarily quit, but later reversed himself and they were approved. I'd worked for him for six-and-a-half years and thought I deserved it! When I got home I took off my male clothes and changed into Tara, permanently. A few days later I packed my male clothes in boxes and gave them to charity. When I announced it at a support group they applauded!.

I took five months off and worked on my presentation as a woman. I had a GG roommate (Brandi) and she was a huge help. I also took voice lessons and practiced hours with a tape recorder. Thanks to my friends and support group my transition went well. I have fond memories of that time as it was fresh, new and exciting!

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could change sexes at will? Think how much more understanding we'd be of the opposite sex - especially of women by men!